 According to the Oxford dictionary, a tantrum is defined as "an uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration" and according to Wikipedia, a tantrum is defined as "an emotional outburst, usually associated with those in emotional distress," I'd like to stress that the first definition states the word 'uncontrolled' while the second states the phrase 'emotional distress' because once you change your perspective of a temper tantrum being bad behavior and to that of uncontrolled behavior, you can start to focus on how to help your child through the tantrum and from there on coping mechanisms to help curb tantrums in the first place. As a parent/caregiver, I understand how helpless you feel when your child is throwing a tantrum and there is nothing you can do to help them and console them. We have all been there at one point or another and sometimes these tantrums occur in public. I urge you to not feel embarrassed or defeated, but rather try to change your perspective and thinking to put yourself in the shoes of your child. Try to remind yourself that your child does not hate you (even if they say otherwise) and that your child is not acting in such a way for the fun of it, but rather that they are in emotional distress, can no longer control/contain their emotions, and do not have the tools/words/coping mechanisms to express themselves in a socially acceptable and mature way. Instead of yelling at them or disciplining them for merely having emotions like we all do, try to validate their feelings and work together to find the root of the problem and then work toward a solution. Phrases such as, "I understand that you are disappointed because __________. What can I do to help you?" and "I understand that you are upset because _________. Do you want to talk about it or would you like some space?" can be helpful in doing so with older children. We can take this and adapt it to younger children as well by giving them choices to help them feel in control again. Here's an example: "I understand that you wanted to eat cookies for dinner, but I need you to eat your chicken nuggets first. Would you like them on a blue plate or an orange plate?" These phrases validate your child's feelings while giving them a sense of control over a situation that they can not change.
When I brought up this topic on my Facebook WILDtoCHILD Community Page, someone asked at what age do I consider a tantrum to be acceptable. This is very tricky to answer and I thought I would touch on it a bit here. I don't feel that you can really put an age on that question because every child is different and every child has been raised differently. Some children mature sooner than others and some have been taught these coping mechanisms while others have not. Unfortunately I know adults who "throw temper tantrums" - while these tantrums may look different than a tantrum from a child - they are tantrums nonetheless. I truly believe this is why we have emotional abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, active shooters, bullying, etc. These are just tantrums that have become escalated because that individual is experiencing emotional distress and is no longer in control of their emotions/body. Perhaps these individuals were never taught how to cope with their emotions as a child and now as an adult are still struggling to juggle the stress that comes with being an adult on top of whatever personal baggage that they deal with on a daily basis. This is why I feel it is so important to help children through their tantrums and understand the deeper meaning behind a child who is throwing a tantrum. It is our job as the adult to teach them how to cope with their emotions and to find healthy and positive ways to calm back down. Think about the last time you were upset. Now imagine if someone started to yell at you for crying or for yelling or if you were told to stop feeling the way you were feeling this very instant. How would that make you feel? Would you immediately snap out of it and put a smile on your face or do you think you'd become more frustrated and upset? If adults are allowed to feel a range of emotions and have bad days and bad moments, then why do we expect children to behave perfectly every second of the day? They are allowed to feel different emotions too and it is our job to help them work through each of those emotions in safe and acceptable ways. Side story: When I was teaching Head Start, I had a three-year-old in my class with a lot of challenging behaviors due to factors outside of her control such as being exposed to drugs while in utero. When I first started teaching in her class, she threw awful and often violent tantrums several times a day. After careful observation of her, I was able to see "warning signs" of when she was becoming frustrated, overwhelmed, and overstimulated and was able to intervene before she reached the point of throwing a tantrum. I did this in two ways - the first being creating a safe angry area for her and the second teaching her to come to me and ask for a break. The angry area was a safe spot in the classroom she was able to go to anytime she felt overwhelmed and/or upset and she was able to yell, cry, punch a pillow, etc. until she was ready to participate in the classroom activities again while asking for a break allowed her and I to leave the room for a few minutes to go to an empty classroom for her to run around and let off some built up energy until she was ready to return to the classroom. Both of these options allowed this child to have some control of her body (staying in the classroom or removing herself from the classroom) and with some hard work and some consistency, she was able to start recognizing the emotions she was feeling and began to use these tools to cope when she became overwhelmed and overstimulated in the classroom. Once she had those tools at her disposal her tantrums were nonexistent. The point of this is to express that while throwing a tantrum is often frowned upon, sometimes that is all the child can do until they have been given tools, words, and coping mechanisms to work through their emotions and express themselves in a more socially acceptable way. So why am I writing this post in the first place? Honestly, because my son had a rough night the other night. It was not the fun and happy evening that I had hoped for. It was full of yelling and crying on my son's part rather than smiles and laughter. Was he throwing tantrums all night because he hated me and didn't want to spend time with me? No. Was he throwing tantrums all night because he wanted to push my buttons and make me frustrated and mad? Absolutely not. Was he throwing tantrums all night because he thought it would be fun? Definitely not. Honestly, I don't know why he was throwing tantrums. I never found the root of his emotional distress, but I do know that he was emotionally distressed. Something was bothering him, however he could not express what that something was. That night we did not have a lot of smiles and laughter, but rather we had a night of talking through the emotions he seemed to be expressing, a night of me trying to figure out what he was trying to communicate to me, a night where I just let him cry it out in my arms or on the floor, a night of me trying to understand him and figuring out how I could best help him. I'm happy to report that our evening did end in a giggle session in his bedroom right before bedtime, so I must have done something right even though at the time I felt like I was not doing anything right. People tell me all the time that I have it so easy because my son is so well behaved, but even as an early childhood educator, I am not spared from two-year-old tantrums so please do not beat yourself up the next time your child is throwing a tantrum. Instead take a deep breath, validate your child's feelings, then work together to find a solution.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
