How To Shift Your Focus In The Middle Of A Meltdown In The Middle Of A Pandemic Step 1: Find Three Airplanes

Whew! What an intense six months it has been. First off, I must apologize to all of you for going MIA during this time, but as a single mom who was home during five of those six months, directly due to the COVID-19 shutdown, with a three-year almost every day, I needed to focus on myself and my son, but I am excited and thankful to be back! I hope that all of you have been well (and healthy) during these trying times and that those of you with school-aged children who have just embarked on this crazy adventure of virtual school are staying (at least mostly) sane.

As mentioned above, these are trying times and I know that tension is high all around. Parents all over are doing their best to keep themselves and their families safe, yet it is so unclear what the best course of action is to accomplish that. Is it best to send children back to childcare and school or is it best to keep them home? Is it truly safe to meet up with friends or family members and arrange playdates for our children or is the risk too high? While valid questions, this is not what I would like to focus on tonight because honestly there is no right or wrong answer. We are all doing what we believe is best for ourselves and our families and no one deserves to be shamed for how they have decided to tackle these difficult decisions. Instead of discussing these controversial topics, I wanted to share an experience I had with my own son earlier this evening.

My son will be 3 ½ in one week and like many other children (and adults) has been through A LOT of changes over the past few months. In February, I made the decision to move him (and myself) to a new preschool for various reasons. I was more than pleased with the new program and especially with his new teacher (Ms. Jenn is the BEST), however 3 ½ weeks after this change, the preschool was shut down due to COVID-19. What we thought would be two weeks at home turned into five months! As much as I tried my best to stay positive and enjoy the extra at-home time with him, there were times when we had both clearly had enough of each other so I was excited for us both to return to school in August. The return to school for my son meant readjusting to school-life and the routines that came with that along with a new classroom with new children and a new teacher. Luckily, my son has been pretty flexible and adaptable to changes such as these, but he is still only three, so I was not completely caught off-guard that the last couple of weeks he has expressed behaviors that reflect frustration more so than normal, especially with the resignation of his teacher meaning another change for him as his new teacher took over in his classroom just this very week.

As understanding and compassionate as I usually am, I am only human and I admit am not perfect. I yelled - and when I say yell, I mean I really yelled - at my son last week out of frustration when he was fighting me while I was trying to assist him in putting on his pajamas. I immediately felt guilty for losing my temper knowing that I am the adult and wished I had reacted differently in that moment, but that moment had happened and all I could do was take a deep breath and hug my sobbing son in my arms and apologize for yelling before making another attempt to put his pajamas on. I've thought long and hard this past week about that moment. I knew he wasn't purposefully misbehaving just to get under my skin, but I have undergone many changes as well these last few months and I guess I had just reached my boiling point. Unfortunately, I reacted to my own emotions by yelling at my child who just stared up and me blankly as his tiny eyes filled with tears. This experience got me thinking about the times in which children reach their boiling point and lash out at siblings, parents, teachers, etc. and how the adults react to these lash outs. Often times, the child is reprimanded for lashing out and told that that behavior is unacceptable and a consequence such as a time-out or lost privileges may occur, but what happens when an adult behaves in the same fashion? Often times nothing. The adult may or may not apologize, but then they continue with their day as though nothing had happened --- no time-out is issued, cell phones aren't confiscated, screen time is not taken away, etc. Why is it that grown adults who have had many years of experience and often times have been taught coping skills are allowed to exhibit such behaviors when becoming overly frustrated and overwhelmed, but that young children who are still trying to learn about their emotions and how to appropriately express these emotions are reprimanded sometimes extremely harshly when exhibiting the same behaviors? This is something I have been trying to reflect on as a teacher in my Pre-K classroom as well as as a mom while at home with my son. 

This leads me to tonight. At 5:00 pm, I took off my teaching hat and donned my mom hat as I prepared to leave work with my son. As usual, he did not want to leave because he loves preschool so much and he became upset. I gave him the option to be carried out of the building or to walk out of the building. When he threw himself on the ground, I picked him up and started to walk toward the front door and then he began to scream and smack me. I immediately put him down and sternly told him that it was not okay to hit Mommy. His response was to take off one of his shoes as he often does when angry. I asked him to put his shoe back on and calmly informed him that it was raining so if he did not put his shoe on his sock would get wet as he walked toward the car. After a slow and reluctant walk to the car (yes, with one shoe on and one shoe off), it was a struggle to get him into his carseat. Not an ideal way to start my long stretch of time with him before he would return to his dad's. I tried asking him questions about his day to distract him, but nothing worked so I let him cry it out until we got home. The rest of the evening went smoothly. We played make-believe and had a wonderful time together until it was time for dinner. He became so distraught and refused to eat so I decided it was time to head upstairs and get ready for bed despite his empty belly. By the time we got to his bedroom he was completely hysterical and I couldn't even wrangle him to get an overnight diaper on. I could feel my fuse getting shorter and I thought back to last week when I yelled at him and knew I did not want to react in that way again, yet I was at a loss of how to help him as he flailed and screamed on the floor. I picked him up and held him tight in my arms hoping that the pressure would somehow reassure him that Mommy was here and loved him in hopes that he would calm down, but he continued to cry hysterically. That's when I suddenly remembered a TikTok video I had recently viewed (yes I said TikTok - My name is Danielle and I AM a TikTok addict) about a friend helping her best friend through a panic attack and figured I could use that concept and adapt it for my son. Not knowing if it would work, I looked at Andrew and asked him to find three airplanes in his room. To my surprise, he stopped crying immediately and so I repeated the question. Once he had pointed out the three airplanes, I asked him to find two things in his room that were blue. He quickly did so and then we continued to look for random objects in his room. After several minutes of this, not only did he have a smile on his face, but I also was feeling much calmer. It was then that I realized that this exercise not only shifted his focus, but also my own focus and we were able to move forward with our evening - he even returned to the kitchen to eat his dinner! 

After I had put him to bed, I thought about all the changes that so many families are going through right now as we all adapt to this new normal. I thought about all the stress and tension of the last few months and how it has affected so many lives in so many ways. I thought about how all the school-aged children who just returned to school this way, but virtually. I thought about all the parents making tough decisions about the best course of action for their families regarding childcare and work decisions. I thought about all the children who don't understand what is going on and the reason why their entire worlds have been flipped and turned upside-down and sideways. I thought about all the people in charge of making the hard decisions related to new laws and mandates due to COVID-19. So next time you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed, try to focus on something other than what is stressing you out. Focus on things you can see, things you can smell, things you can hear. Ground yourself and shift your focus for a few minutes. You deserve it. Next time your child is having a rough time, try to remember that they may not be able to fully express their emotions and that they are trying to communicate with you and may even feel more frustrated because they are unable to verbalize and express their emotions clearly and as effectively as they need to and perhaps try this technique with your own child to help shift their focus. This is definitely an exercise that I am going to start using both at home and in my classroom in hopes of helping these children learn how to cope with their frustrations and work through them while keeping my feelings in check at the same time.